How to Pay a Shiva Call

Jewish law requires that close relatives of a deceased person sit shiva for seven days and sets forth very detailed instructions for their conduct. Visitors to the house of mourning also are expected to observe certain guidelines for "nichum avelim," or comforting mourners.

Instructions

1

Delay your visit until after burial. Jewish tradition holds that before interment, the grief of the bereaved is so intense that it precludes consolation by even close friends. Following the funeral, though, feel free to visit as often as you like, especially if you are a close friend of the family.

2

Avoid visiting on Shabbat (Friday at sundown through Saturday at sundown), as Jewish law prohibits sitting shiva on Shabbat.

3

Bring no flowers or gifts with you; instead, you may want to give a donation to the deceased's favorite charity or to a synagogue fund established in his or her memory.

4

Enter the living room with the friend or family member who met you at the door. Wait for the mourner to speak before you say anything. After that, a simple "I'm sorry," accompanied by a hug or a firm handshake is all you need to say.

5

Listen to what the mourner wants to say and respond accordingly. Most likely he or she will want to reminisce about the deceased, but if the topic is yesterday's stock market closings or tomorrow's weather forecast, just follow along.

6

Don't feel obliged to stay more than half an hour or so.

7

Write a note to the bereaved if you can't visit in person. If you were close to the deceased, phone calls also are usually much appreciated.